Mothering Through Infertility

Infertility is no joke. As a woman who deals with this myself, I know that the struggle is real! If any of you reading this also face this struggle, I'm here for you. I want to start out by saying that you are incredibly strong and I hope that this blog post speaks to you in a loving and sincere, but truthful way. I pray to have the words to speak boldly but tenderly because I understand just how touchy of a subject this can be for a lot of us.  Just know that I am coming from a place of love and truth and that what I have written this week are things that have been put on my heart over the last few years and even more so recently. I am writing this blog post as a reminder to myself but also for those of you that need to hear it as well.

The question that has been on my mind most recently is this, when does wanting children go from being a prayer request to an idol that keeps one from fully loving and giving their attention to God? For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have children and once I got married, it was something that I prayed for constantly. Month after month and year after year though, we saw no results. I first realized that wanting to be a mother was becoming an idol in my life a few years ago. I had become so wrapped up in the ritual of waiting and testing and waiting and testing that it threw my body and mind out of whack. My periods were coming late because I was stressing myself out. I was constantly googling pregnancy symptoms and would experience a placebo like effect. In turn I would get my hopes up that that month would finally be the month, but still the strips would read negative, negative, negative. Too many times I would cry myself to sleep when my period did eventually come… as it always did.

As I kept struggling with this, I started to become bitter and jealous. Whenever there was a new pregnancy announcement from one of my friends or family members I would have a jealous rage that would build inside of me instead of feeling joy for them. I would be burning on the inside. I knew it was wrong to have those awful and mean thoughts and feelings but I couldn’t help it.

I didn’t understand why God was doing this to us. It seemed like everyone around me was getting what I wanted. It just didn’t seem fair. My life had been so completely consumed by this yearning for children of my own that I was giving this dream of mine all of my attention, energy, and emotions.

Webster's defines an idol as “an object of extreme devotion”, and that is exactly the power that I had given to this hunger in my life. God clearly states in multiple places in the Bible that idol worshipping is a big no-no. Anything that takes attention away from God is an idol and should be cast into the flame and destroyed. For some its money or power or job advancement, for me though it was my longing for children. And if I'm being completely honest with you all, it is still an issue in my life that I am constantly having to check my heart about and come before God to ask for guidance.

What does the bible say about motherhood and infertility?
Though it feels like infertility is a problem of today's world, it is nothing new. Infertility was a common struggle for many of the well known women of the bible. I have found it helpful when I'm struggling to look to these women for guidance. The first account we come upon in the bible is Abraham and Sarah. Through their account of infertility one can learn that taking things into your own hands and relying on yourself only leads to disappointment. One can also learn from their story that God is faithful despite our shortcomings and His word and His timing is right. The next story that holds meaning for me is the one of Rachel and Leah. Rachel suffered from infertility while her sister Leah did not. The struggle of infertility caused Rachel to feel jealousy and resentment towards her sister, Leah. This story speaks to me because I too have been jealous of family members when they welcome children into their lives and that kind of jealousy is just not good for a family to have towards each other. The final account I will mention is Hannah. Through her infertility struggle, Hannah knew that the Lord was the answer to her problem. She came humbly before the Lord and spoke her heart and her sorrow. She is the woman that I remember and try to embody on my worst days.

How to Combat Infertility Idolatry It is such a hard thing to change your mindset once it is seemingly made up. Infertility is often a woman's worst nightmare but it is so important to remember that our God is bigger than any of our problems. When it comes to turning the quest for children from an idol back to a prayer request I think it is first important to remember that if God has placed the longing to be a mother in your heart, then it is there for a reason and it should not be ignored. Though we tend to think of motherhood as conceiving and giving birth to a child, that is only one small aspect of it. To be a mother figure to someone can mean so many other things. Aside from the literal definition of motherhood as "having given birth to a child" I wanted to see what other definitions I could find. A few of my favorites are  “a female parent”, “ a woman in authority”, "to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own”, and “to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward”. What wonderful definitions of motherhood! When you consider these definitions, it opens up what it could mean to be a mother. I also looked to see what the Bible had to tell me about being a mother. Train up In Proverbs 22:6 it say "train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Over and over again in the Bible there is emphasis that the most important job that a parent can do is to train a child to know and love the Lord. There are plenty of other ways to do this other than being a parent. Volunteering for children's ministries was a way that I had followed these words of advice. Be Fruitful Colossians 1:10 says to "be fruitful in every good work". We can be mentors and example setters every day, in every place, and in every situation. Just because we don't have children of our own to watch us and learn from us doesn't mean that there is no-one watching us. I am an aunt to 5 little girls and 1 little boy and have been an example to many other foster children, children of friends and family, and even some of the younger birth parents to the foster children that I have cared for have looked to me for guidance. Go make disciples In Matthew 28:19 Jesus tells his disciples to "go therefore and make disciples of all the nations". We are all children of God. As Christians we are called to spread the knowledge of and love for God to all. That is why I started this blog. I wanted to reach people for God. To explain to even just one person that doesn't know God's love how life changing it can really be. For those three examples, I have fulfilled my longing to "mother" in a God glorifying way. Although it hurts to not have been blessed with children of my own yet, I have found my purpose as a mother through fostering, volunteering, and connecting with people for God's glory. We still hope to adopt or have our own children one day but today in this moment I am content in knowing that God is using me as a mother figure in so many more ways than I could imagine.

So for all those who are fighting the infertility battle with me, stay strong, remember God's words, look to the Bible for guidance, and search your heart constantly. Don't let infertility, or any other thing, put up a barrier between you and God. Mark 12:30 "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment."